Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Finding Your Freedom through Fear

Many times on my journey, when I'm asked to reclaim the next layer of my power, I am faced with what may feel like an insurmountable wall of FEAR!

< Self-Coaching Question: When has you own fear been an invitation to discover the Truth of your Power? >

My summer on the coast of CA was no different. The next layer of fear was like an active volcano awaiting to erupt. There was fear here. Fear there. Fear everywhere. Especially WITH the horses.

Sunset on the day we arrived:
The incredible view from the property where I stayed

But never fear (HA!), the horses had co-created a divine plan with my Self to fire-up the next breakthrough. Although at the time it appeared to be a serious breakDOWN.

< Self-Coaching Question: When has a challenging break-down been the perfect catalyst to choose your own Break-THROUGH?  Once through the process, was it easier to TRUST that whatever shows up is for your Highest Good?! >

It started with Serendipity's own physical breakdown. My vision for this trip was to be able to ride both of my horses, Seren and daughter Gem, down to the beach from the property where I was staying. However, it immediately became clear that the ride to and from the beach was going to be MUCH more physically straining than anticipated.

In fact, it turned out that the ride down to the beach & back involved almost a mile of a steep hill, filled with, heck, I don't know, 8 inches of deep sand. Basically, the equivalent of bench pressing 100 pounds, for 15 minutes.

Two hand walks to the beach and back, and 22 yo Seren already had sustained a strain, stressing tendons and ligaments that just could not be prepared for such conditions (given that we come from hard-ground CO).

Seren and I on the beach the first day

 So, there we stood, 3 days into my heavenly beach adventure and Seren couldn't even be ridden. Here I was so close to my dream, and yet, seemingly so far.

For weeks I waded through a swamp of disappointment, frustration, and fear, waiting to see if Seren would recover enough to at least enjoy what we did last year: Trailering over to the beach, where she could walk maybe 100 flat feet and be right on the hard sands of the ocean, perfect footing for rehabbing a tendon. 

< Self-Coaching Question: When have you chosen Worry over Trust, delaying your experience of Flowing with Peaceful Acceptance? >

Thankfully, about 3 weeks into the trip, Seren was physically ready to get her beach babe groove back on.

But was I?
I seriously doubted myself. 

Honestly, I was in tears thinking about what a trip to the beach with Seren would entail:

~ I would have to head down the road where the trailer was parked, hook it up myself, get it through a tight tree-d entrance and down a steep, jarring hill into busy traffic.

~ Once back at the stable, I would have to back this new, longer trailer and turn it around in a tight space in order to be able to leave again.

~ I'd have to load Seren into an unfamiliar trailer, that she was anxious about, by myself.

~ I'd have to make the 15 minute trip over the beach, driving alone and then unload Seren and tack her up, sans help.

~ We'd have to ride out on the wide open beach, without the support of another horse & rider.

~  Then, I'd have to do it all in reverse.

All of this, ALL BY MYSELF, without any help. The thought of ALL that could go wrong TERRIFIED me. I honestly didn't know if I was up for any of it. It felt insurmountable. But there was my dream, nagging at me.

 < Self-Coaching Question: When have you allowed fear of what COULD be to cloud your experience of what IS, hindering your ability to be in the Moment? >

What saddened me even more was this: There was once a time when I felt that Seren and I were invincible!!! We could have done all of that without blinking an eye! Heck, we've been all over the country together, alone, many times. Back then, it was Seren and I against the world, and she was my very best friend. I never doubted our ability to accomplish whatever was in our path.

But then traumas happened. Little ones. Bigger ones. None of them ever with Seren herself.

Thus, over time, unresolved traumas layered one on top of another, slowly hiding my Power from me, until the thought of taking Seren to the beach by myself had me a trembling mess.

Thankfully, it seemed some help would come to the rescue. A new-found friend from the barn, Robert, agreed to help. Whew, I thought, "I CAN do this with some help."

But then, something in my request triggered him and he suddenly wasn't willing to help, even if I paid him for his time and effort.  He'd help ONCE, he decided and after that I'd be on my own.

Now THAT triggered me.  Here was a guy with all the time in the world, being requested to do two of his favorite things, hanging on the beach and being with horses, with one of his newly fav folks (me), and now I couldn't even PAY him to help?!!!!

All I could think was: WHY was the Universe conspiring against me being able to live my dream!?!? 

Of course, the Universe was actually conspiring to support me in reclaiming my power, but I couldn't feel that just yet! HA!

< Self-Coaching Question: When has something seemed to "not go your way" but turned out to be the perfect path that ended up leading you were you wanted to go?! > 

Instead, I was, shall we say, devastated. Here we had traveled 1200 miles to be together in our favorite place, Seren and I, and I couldn't even get her there!!!

So, I called on my favorite animal communicator, Pam Allen-LeBlanc of Hidden Brook Farm in Canada to decide how to proceed.

We chatted with Seren. I explained the situation & told her my fears.

And Seren wisely said, "Let's do this together. Doing this alone is really important for you to reclaim your FREEDOM! Which flows from your confidence & independence. I promise I'll be on my best behavior to help you out."

Seren and I during our 1st beach ride
after the injury. She's offering you a
perfect sand dollar in her noseband!
Ok, with my best friend on board with the plan, we set a date with Robert for our one test run with help. I made sure to do everything myself that day, with Robert there only for back up, just in case.

In the beginning, I was almost out of my body in fear. I was shaky, about it all.

But everything went well, and on the way home, I felt remarkably better- I was IN my body, and half calm too!

But secretly, I feared I was only able to do it because someone was WITH me. I felt I needed that crutch. I couldn't decide if proceeding alone was foolish or important.

In the end, I decided to proceed because Seren had said so. She loves the beach as much as me and I felt I owed it to her to spend time there together.

And so, a few days later, we tried again, ALL ALONE.

I was nervous, but everything worked out. In fact, every time we went, my nerves were cut in half, as I proved to myself that I could, in fact, do this.

True to her word, Seren never put a foot wrong! Nothing I worried about ever transpired. She was a perfect angel for loading, unloading, riding, etc. She acted like we had done this our entire lives.

In truth, she was reminding me of WHO I AM and WHO WE ARE TOGETHER.

Sharing the Love

And yet, there was to be another trial. After several weeks of heading out 2x a week by ourselves, we were faced with a graduating exam of Fear. Was I ready to celebrate my Freedom?!

When we arrived at the beach, it was a VERY windy day. For the first time, the kite surfers were out.

Now, these can be very scary to horses. Huge, erratic moving, noisy, bright things in the sky, coming toward us!!! Seren could see them over the dunes in the parking lot. Her energy started amping up, her nerves somewhat rattled. My bodily-sensed anxiety spiked in response.

In that moment, I started to feel defeated, "Oh no, not this fear again!" I wanted to run and hide. I was almost ready to give up.

I realized I had a decision to make: Give into my fear or claim my Freedom. Here was my final test.

So, I weighed the risks. Knowing that this particular horse is very level-headed and has never actually done anything I couldn't handle, I decided to look my fear directly in the eye.

I threw on a saddle as a nod to extra-safety (we often were riding bareback), and headed over the dune toward the dreaded red and blue monsters, who were whirling about in a chilly, grey sky.

Seren and I, heading home
As an immediate reward for facing the fear, when we made it to the beach, the blue monster was already laying quietly on the sand. One monster down! Hallelujah!

Now just one red monster to go.

Yet, the crimson monster headed further out to sea and stayed off the coast for our ride. Seren, well, she just didn't seem to care all that much, as we strolled down the beach. Whew! What a relief.

By the time we turned back towards home, both kites were gone. The monsters had disappeared!

 When we reached our return spot on the beach, I hopped off of Seren to enjoy some time standing together on the beach & relaxing.

It was then the ultimate reward showed up: I swear to god, the wind died down, the sun came out and it turned into a GORGEOUS Blue-Sky afternoon!

< Self-Coaching Question: When has facing your fear resulted in discovering the juicy space of your Freedom? Did it make it easier to face your fear the next time around? > 

We spent the remainder of the day soaking in the warm sunshine, sharing heart space, enjoying the beauty that surrounded us and breathing in the blessing of our beautiful connection.  A connection that restored my FAITH in Self, thanks to Seren's willingness to be my steady partner in search of Truth.

I laughed at how the Universe conspired to outwardly manifest a surprisingly perfect metaphor that day! 

We discovered that when you have the courage to face your fear-demons, they will dissolve into the mist, revealing the sunny Truth, that you are always SAFE, filled with LOVE, and never, ever ALONE. That FREEDOM is your natural state of Being.

After that courageous day, Seren and I went on to share many more joy-filled afternoons together on the beach, without fear, partnering in a wondrous journey of Love.

It turned out that being alone together on the beach was in fact necessary for all of the joy-filled, heart-felt healing moments that would transpire, as Seren and I sunk into the heart-space of connection, that could only be experienced, together, alone in the Silent-Space of Source.

For all of that, I am ever grateful to my best and life-long friend Seren. THANK YOU for giving me back to my Freedom-Filled Self.

And heartfelt thanks to Robert for "forcing" me to re-discover my own Power. Sometimes when someone refuses to help you, it is because you are meant to lift up yourself! We both laugh about that today.

And THANK YOU Fear for being the Gift that Invites us All to Re-Member the Truth of our Freedom.

Please share! When have the horses helped you face your fear so you could reclaim important aspects of your True Self? Please comment below.


  1. What a wonderful article, I had tears in my eyes when reading it, both from joy and from recognizing my own fear.
    It so much resonates.
    Thank you and blessed be.
    Eva from Europe

    1. Thank you for sharing your response Eva- it brings joy to my heart. Sending you many warm horse-hearted blessings on your own journey! :)

  2. Thank you so much Jenn for as always being so open, honest, vulnerable. Sharing your experience, and your great coaching questions is a gift to all of us. Curious thought did Gem go with you also?
    Also Very Happy belated Birthday Greetings!
    From your friends in Costa Rica

    1. Delighted to hear from you dear Marsha! Thank you for the b-day greetings. Yes! Gem also went and we had our own journey through Fear!!!! A story for a different day, as it felt quite separate from the one with Seren! Gem had many of her own fears to work out as she learned to separate from Seren and find her own Brave Self!!! Which of course required me to get bigger and braver as well! I was very proud of her and of myself for our journey!!! I'll share more about that soon! :) I should come visit Costa Rica one of these days! Love!

  3. Oh my gosh. What a beautiful reminder. I'm going through a similar life situation with doubts and fears during my move from CA to CO with my horse. I love the self-coaching questions. Helped me out of my "I suck and why do I think I can be responsible for a horse" mode. I will remember your story for years.

    1. Stephanie! Welcome to CO! I'm so delighted that the coaching questions helped move you through to greater empowerment! YAY for you! I always find it amazing that we "know" so many things, but often we find ourselves stuck in old loops. Keep reaching for what inspires you, the Truth of our own Magnificence!!!

  4. Good job, Jenn what an amazing experience to have!! Thank you for sharing this!! I will forever continue to challenge my fears with my horses as well. Turning fears into courage! Yay!!!

    1. YAY, indeed! Every moment of freedom creates an opening into more, more, MORE!